Wet Hot Rotten Rewatch
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I need to kick off this special edition of Rotten Rewatch by discussing a writer far superior to myself. JR Goldberg is the mind behind Meth Lab Battlarts, which you can read some here and buy the zine version here. JR is the first person I remember extolling and cheerleading Ian Rotten’s grappling. He also happens to be the best writer to ever review professional wrestling.
JR transformed my opinion on Ian. He highlighted a lot of matches I may have otherwise skipped over. Rotten’s grappling is some of the best of all time, including the actual Battlarts, the hijinks of World of Sport, the llaves of lucha, and any other corner of wrestling. The sheer force and weight of Ian on the mat is palpable, it comes through the screen. He big brothers people, laying on them, gripping and pulling on anything he can get his hands on. He slaps, kicks, head butts, and yells and screams between each move. It’s beautiful.
But, The Wet Hot American Dragon Summer isn’t about Ian Rotten. It’s about Bryan Danielson – my favorite wrestler, the greatest of all time, and no slouch on the mat himself. Having said that, my number one dream match has been for quite some time, Bryan Danielson vs Ian Rotten. In fact I was on an episode of Muscle Orchestra doing an IWA Mid South draft, where we draft wrestlers to fantasy book a card. My first pick was Danielaon and *spoiler alert* If we ever do part two I’m booking Danielson vs Rotten.
I’ve played the match over and over in my head. The things these sick individuals would do to each other on the mat is what dreams are made of. What hurts the most is we were so close to having this match take place. Danielson was in IWA Mid South, all Ian had to do was give himself the match with the best in the world. Alas, this never happened. Though I guess there’s still technically time Tony Khan!
So in honor of the WHADS I want to cover every match Danielson ever had in IWA Mid South. Well not ever match because I refuse to cover his Ted Petty Invitational matches because Talking Tourneys is returning SOON and I have plans on someday covering those great tournaments. Danielson had eleven matches in IWA Mid South, five of which are tournament matches. That leaves six times the GOAT laced up his boats for the Walter White of Indie Wrestling, Ian Rotten
Man, I’m getting a lot of plugs in this intro. Well, hopefully the second edition of Meth Lab Battlarts goes on sale soon! In the meantime read my Rotten Rewatches when they go up. Maybe we’ll discover some lost Meth Lab Battlarts.
IWA Mid-South Stylin’ In The Summertime
07/31/2004
Highland, Indiana
Bryan Danielson vs Arik Cannon
This is Danielson’s debut in IWA. I think the obvious match was Danielson vs Chris Hero, but Hero was feuding with Cannon. Cannon had been getting the best of Hero and Hero was in the midst of the infamous Highland losing streak, so I think this match actually made more sense than it may appear with 2024 eyes. Plus Arik Cannon has banger tweets like this in 2024:
Not to mention this is a very IWA Mid South match. It’s a whole different column to discuss but indies in this time period had way more distinctive identities. I think this is a match you could for the most part only see here.
Arik is clad in the awful 2000s garbage bag gear that I freaking adore.
You’re going to be surprised but these two start off with some really nice chain wrestling. Maybe it’s because Cannon looks like a shit bag in a trash bag, but once he starts acting heelish and slaps Bryan and pokes him in the eyes, it’s incredibly therapeutic when Bryan knocks the crap out of him. It goes from respectful mat wrestling to huge European upper cuts and dropping knees on Arik’s face.
When Arik’s on offense he more than holds his own in the torture department. Slapping and punching Bryan’s mid section to get him in position for various holds.
This match is largely a back and forth trading of holds but these are two dudes you’d want to see that from. Danielson does a great job of showing desperation in getting to the ropes when Arik has him trapped. When Cannon is caught he screams and yells in pain.
Once this gets to the finishing stretch it doesn’t overstay it’s welcome. Cannon gets to the rope to escape a cattle mutilation. Once back to their feet Cannon hits a glimmering warlock for a two count, but Bryan can’t kick out of a second one.
If you thought Arik Cannon was a surprising pick for Danielson’s first opponent. I’m sure this results was doubly surprising. The fans chant “Please Come Back” and Jim Fanin on commentary assures them that Arik is there almost every month. That honestly cracked me up.
After the match Ian Rotten comes out and asks Bryan to come back and he agrees!
I’m not doing the WATCH SKIP gimmick in this rewatch. They’re Danielson matches you should watch them all.
IWA Mid-South An IWA Fairytale: The Hero Vs. The Drag
08/21/2004
Highland, Indiana
Bryan Danielson vs Chris Hero
The Hero vs The Dragon
While less well known than their Ring of Honor title match at Hell Freezes Over or their PWG title classic at Guerre San Frontieres this is actually their first match against each other.
While I don’t think Hero has come close to hitting his peak as a worker, he was undoubtedly the top technical worker in IWA Mid South at the time.
We start with a pre-taped Chris Hero interview. He calls that Bryan is the best wrestler in the world and mentions the “Highland Curse,” but says that despite that he refuses to lose.
Danielson refutes this and says Hero is going down!
IT’S CLOAK BRYAN and 3 Doors Down Hero. I’m sorry folks, I can’t be unbiased, this is all my shit.
Bryce Remsburg is our referee. We’re coming up on 20 years since this match and all 3 of these men are employees of a national television company. What a world.
We get dueling chants before the opening bell even sounds. We start with, believe it or not, some chain wrestling. Lots of arm locks and bridges to begin with.
There’s a point where they both end up in a headstand and shake hands. I hate it.
CS Lewis somewhat famously talks about there only being three types of men, those that live wholly for themselves, those that live for themselves as far as they can while obeying God, and those that abandon the idea of “self” altogether.
Well I think there’s three types of wrestlers: wrestlers that wrestle for themselves, wrestlers that wrestle for the audience, and wrestlers that are wrestling for wrestling.
Basically wrestlers popping themselves, wrestlers trying to pop the audience and wrestlers trying to win a wrestling match.
This is the point where Hero is wrestling for himself. CM Punk even points it out on commentary. Under the guise of Chris Hero’s lack of killer instinct. He doesn’t follow up having Danielson down with a suplex with a pin attempt; he follows it up with a superfluous hold.
I love Hero so I hate how down I am on him here, but watching it immediately after the Cannon match it’s clear which wrestlers’ submissions look like they’re trying to hurt the opponent and which wrestler is applying holds to look cool or to tick off boxes on a checklist.
It doesn’t help he’s in their with the American Dragon who is wrenching and pulling on every hold and kicking his face in.
Now having spent a great deal of time insulting Chris Hero, I have to admit, he does a great job of selling Dragons arm work late in the match and in the closing stretch.
You could also argue everything I’m putting on Hero as weaknesses are a function of the story of the match. The finish comes when Hero hits a powerbomb and rather than trying for a pin he applies the Hangman’s Clutch. He can’t get the submission win due to his weakened arm. This eventually leads to Danielson getting the submission victory with the Cattle Mutilation.
The Highland Curse continues. Hero does not shake Danielson’s hand.
IWA Mid-South A Phenomenal Invasion
09/15/2004
Evansville, Indiana
Bryan Danielson vs Chris Hero, Two out of Three Falls
This match is based off Hero’s show of disrespect in not shaking Bryan’s hand. Danielson let Hero pick the match and the location, so of course we got a two out of three falls match with a one hour time limit.
I’m going to be honest I was excited to hear there was a one hour time limit because these are two dudes who might fuck around and go sixty plus minutes. Though if that was the case I think I’d remember it, but I’m getting old.
Last match had CM Punk on commentary. This match has Eddie Kingston. It’s a who’s who of Hero haters.
Hero tries to start off with a handshake but Bryan isn’t having it. They start off with some mat wrestling. Kingston immediately brings up that Hero lacks the edge that the American Dragon possesses.
This is a lot of the same stuff we had in the first match.
Lots of grappling without a lot of substance behind it in the beginning.
All the way up to the first fall, a twisty pinning combination by Dragon, feels kind of listless.
There’s a 30 second rest period where Danielson gets into with a fan which feels more emotions and consequential than anything in the match up to this point.
Arik Cannon eventually comes out to fuck with Hero.
Hero overcomes this distraction to get a pin fall after Dragon refuses to submit to him.
The finish is a dumb double submission. That would’ve killed me if I was enjoying this match. This wasn’t good. It’s Hero and Dragon so it’s not horrendous, but there’s no reason to watch this match. I take back what I said earlier SKIP this one.
IWA Mid-South An IWA Homecoming
09/16/2004
New Albany, Indiana
Bryan Danielson vs AJ Styles
These are two guys who I link together a lot in my mind. Maybe it’s because I’m a big fan of their two Ring of Honor matches or that they were both huge smart marks favorites of the early 2000s and they had so many matches in WWE. Somehow though these two have only shared the ring 4 times on the indies.
Dragon is a heel here after some nefarious actions I didn’t cover following that last match because I was bored and depressed.
Ok I’m not going to pretend AJ Styles is somehow forgotten or under appreciated, but god damn everything he hits here is so fucking crisp. The opening mat work is lightning fast.
Oh God. They mention plans for a sixty minute iron man match between Danielson and Hero. Glad we dodged that bullet.
This match picks up with a gorgeous dropkick from AJ. After that and a plancha he takes control for a while.
I’ve always liked cocky AJ control segments. He’s at his best working on top in my opinion.
He spends most of the match in control. There’s some near falls and then there’s a great finishing sequence. Styles goes for the Styles Clash, Danielson squirms out of it and locks on the cattle mutilation. As Styles tries to escape Bryan turns it into a crucifix pin for the win.
This was not earth shattering, but a really good match between two all time greats.
IWA Mid South Christmas Carnage 2005
12/16/2005
Plainfield, Indiana
Bryan Danielson vs Jigsaw
About 4 years after this these two would face off in an all time favorite of mine in Chikara, Jigsaw and Mike Quackenbush vs Bryan Danielson and Claudio Castagnoli.
Jigsaw was a Chikara mainstay, but he was only sporadically in IWA Mid South so this is a somewhat strange matchup.
Danielson immediately gut wrenches Jigsaw and slaps him in the back of the head. This is Danielson as a bully and I love it. Chopping and slapping Jigsaw between every move. Literally standing on Jigsaw’s face at one point.
The first time Jigsaw even tries to Mount some offense he eats a Danielson dropkick right to the face.
Jigsaw’s longest stretch of offense comes while Danielson’s whole ass is out. He seamlessly goes from brutalizing Danielson to comedy Danielson without missing a beat.
It’s not long before Bryan is back in control and dominating poor Jigsaw. The Chikara trainee does get in a few near falls at the end of the match, even reversing the cattle mutilation for a very convincing false finish. He follows that up by trying to use Danielson trademark submission himself. Bryan stands up out of it, hits a river suplex and then gets the submission win with the cattle mutilation.
I’m gonna rank these for you because I’m a wrestling nerd, so of course I am.
- Bryan Danielson vs Arik Cannon
- Bryan Danielson vs Jigsaw
- Bryan Danielson vs AJ Stlyes
- Bryan Danielson vs Chris Hero
- Bryan Danielson vs Chris Hero, Two out of Three Falls
All these are available for free on YouTube and I can confidently say none of these matches are as good as Bryan Danielson vs Ian Rotten would be.