The YouTube algorithm, in its infinite wisdom, recommended that I watch this video, “NBA Centers Ranked By How Many Hot Dogs I Think They Can Eat“ by Max JR Miller. It’s a great video, and you should watch it.

But it got me inspired. Violent People, as the international home of wrestling hot dog-based discussions, need to have their own hot dog consumption ranking. And what promotion is more Violent People than MLW? 2CW, but they don’t have a current roster. So the decision was clear: I must fulfil my destiny and rank the MLW roster by how many beautiful hot dogs they can stuff down their throats.

Now you know the backstory, let’s set some ground rules. By the MLW roster, I mean the wrestlers listed on MLW’s own website. Sadly, they no longer include Krule, so there’s half the jokes I had prepared for this gone. That leaves us with 33 wrestlers and two units. It hasn’t been made clear who the individual members are or even how many members there are of Los Aztecas and Sendai Death Squad. I’ll count each unit as one entity. This likely means some wrestlers might be ranked twice, but I can live with that.

Now, this is a ranking of how well I think each wrestler would do if they competed in the July 4th Nathan’s Famous International Hot Dog Eating Contest, so they’ll be competing under that competition’s rules. This means it’s not a battle of endurance, but about how many hot dogs they can eat in 10 minutes. Water will be provided, and you can dunk your dogs in it if you so wish. Condiments are optional, partly eaten dogs will be counted in eighths, and hot dogs still in your mouth when time expires will count as long as you swallow them afterwards. Finally, vomiting results in an instant disqualification.

Now that we all understand the parameters of this very serious ranking, let’s get to work.

34th Austin Aries

Austin Aries is a vegan. Yuck. If you ask me, that’s the worst thing about him. Hello, yes, I’m a stand-up comedian from 2013. Aren’t vegans weird??

If you don’t eat the dogs, how are you going to win?

Hot dogs eaten: Aries organises a protest against the event.

33th Místico, Templario, Sentai Death Squad and Los Aztecas

The list has its first tie! I know, how unsatisfying. But these wrestlers all rank at the bottom for what I hope is a fairly obvious reason: they all wear masks that cover their mouths. How are you going to get a juicy old hot dog down your gullet if you don’t have access to your mouth?

If MLW were to host a roster wide hot dog eating contest and according to my sources, it’s touch and go. These masked fools competing would be an embarrassment.

Hot dogs eaten: 0

29th Titán 

While the mask might not be a complete game over, it would certainly slow Titan down. You need a wide hole to shovel the dogs into, and with this mask, I see Titan struggling to get any good rhythm going. The mask itself is also so beautiful that I can’t see him wanting to stain it with hot dogs.

Hot dogs eaten: ¾

28th Don Gato

A similar story to Titan. I spent a lot of time debating which mask would be more restrictive for hot dog eating. In the end, I landed on that even if Don Gato’s mask is more restrictive than Titan’s, Don Gato has the figure of a man who could overcome the disadvantage of his mask in a hot dog eating contest.

The main problem is that while water is normally provided to competitors, the rules state that eaters can have any drink they choose to go down with the dogs. Don Gato would naturally choose his own Don Gato tequila, which is a tequila so fine that it would distract him from the hot dog eating.

Hot dogs eaten: 1

27th Joe Coffey, Mark Coffey and Wolfgang

If the Nathan’s Famous International Hot Dog Eating Contest has taught us anything, it’s that hot dog eating is a sport for the Japanese and Yanks. These three Scottish men stand no chance. Perhaps if it was a deep-fried Mars bar eating competition, they’d fare better.

This is the last time wrestlers will share a spot on this ranking. I just didn’t want to write three different bits about fucking Gallus.

Hot Dogs eaten: 1 ⅛ 

24th Satoshi Kojima

As any self respecting, card carrying member of Bread Club will know, Kojima is a big bread guy. So I think he would struggle with the buns. He doesn’t want to rush; he wants to enjoy his time. Appreciate the buns. A noble cause we can all respect, but not what you want for a hot dog eating contest.

Hot dogs eaten: 1 3/4

23th Bishop Dyer

Dyer, to a layman, looks like a guy who can eat a lot of hot dogs. But to an expert like me, the flaw in his case is obvious. He looks like a hot dog. In fact, he looks so much like a hot dog that I’m worried while he’s guzzling the dogs down, thoughts of cannibalism may cross his mind, grossing him out.

Now, Dyer looks like a man who could overcome the negative stigma associated with cannibalism, but I do think it would slow him down.

Hot dogs eaten: 2

22nd Jesus Rodriguez

Now, it would be a false assumption that people with filled out figures do better at competitive eating. One would only have to look at the thin build of Joey Chestnut to see that. That being said, I suspect Rodriguez is capable of some speed eating.

But I do worry that he is suffering from PTSD from his time in the 2012 Royal Rumble, where he was humiliated by WWE Hall of Famer Mick Foley and future WWE Hall of Famer Santino Marella. These flashbacks are almost guaranteed to slow down his consumption.

Hot dogs eaten: 2 1/8

21st Lady Frost

Lady Frost’s whole shtick is ice and cold stuff, so she has no hope in a “hot” dog eating contest. Now, if that was a chili dog eating competition, she’d win it by a mile. But I’ll save that ranking to be made by you, the reader.

Hot dogs eaten: 2 3/8

20th Okumura

I’m sure Okumura, like all things he attempts, is a very competent eater. However, he has spent large periods of his career teaming with Kojima, and I worry that Kojima’s bread loving ways have rubbed off on him, slowing down his consumption as he tries to appreciate the bread.

Hot dogs eaten: 2 1/2

19th Scarlett Bordeaux

Scarlett’s description on her MLW roster page describes her as a seductive strategist, less occupied with her own personal victories and more focused on assisting Killer Kross in the destruction he brings. So I worry she’ll spend a lot of her allotted eating time trying to distract other competitors.

Now, she’s not dead last because some of her seductive distractions might involve eating hot dogs. I don’t know what the MLW roster is into. I’m a normal guy, I don’t judge.

Hot dogs eaten: 3

18th Alan Angles

I have no real justification for Alan’s placement. I just look at the guy and think he doesn’t have it. He’s not a real eater. Quite literally, he doesn’t get that dog in him.

I apologise to you, Alan Angels, if you can prove me wrong. If you send me evidence that you are, in fact, a real eater, I’ll be happy to move you up the list. My Twitter handle is @DanRiceVP.

Hot dogs eaten: 3 1/4

17th Shotzi

I think there’s a leap here. We’re at competent eater status. From here on out, all these competitors will put in a respectable performance.

My one concern here is that, as her MLW roster page says, Shotzi is an agent of chaos, much like the Joker. And I just don’t think chaos is what you want in a hot dog eating contest. You want to get yourself into a consistent rhythm.

Hot dogs eaten: 4 1/2

16th Ultimo Guerro

Guerrero’s current big rival is Blue Panther, a cat based wrestler, so it’s only logical to assume he has found common ground with the dogs. Therefore, the dogs might take one for the team and make themselves easier to eat.

I’m running out of steam here, folks.

Hot dogs eaten: 5

15th Andrew Everett

Andrew’s apparent nickname is “Choke Daddy”. Yuck. Choking is the last thing you want to do in competitive eating. However, his self described height of 7 foot 4 means he’s got more room to store the dogs in. Let’s hope Choke Daddy survives.

Hot dogs eaten: 5 1/8

14th Labron Kozone

Working for that now debunked outlaw mud show DPW, I’m sure Kozone is used to being paid in hot dogs and handshakes. Now, he was one of their most frequent wrestlers, so he got a lot of hot dogs. But with how cheap that bum of a promotion was, they were probably paying him one hot dog a show at most, so that does limit the experience he has.

Hot dogs eaten: 5 1/2

13th Donovan Dijak

Hot Dogovan Dijak they call him. 

That’s all your getting from me.

Hot dogs eaten: 6

12th Priscilla Kelly

The self described “Hell’s favorite Harlot”, and hell is known for loving its harlots. While the Nathan’s Famous International Hot Dog Eating Contest is the most famous famous hot dog eating contest it’s not the only hot dog eating event, there is also the “4FT TO HELL A CHARITY HOTDOG EATING CONTEST”, so Kelly has some experience.

However, this event has a much different setup to the Nathan’s Famous contest. There is a 6 minutes 66 second time limit, because you know, the devil. It’s also only a race to eat four foot long dogs and drown a Pils, so she might get confused.

Hot dogs eaten: 6 1/4

11th Karl Anderson

Karl Anderson looks like a guy who sometimes shows up in the Costco Guys videos, Uncle Karl. He’d have two lines on their Christmas rap song. Does anyone understand what I’m saying?

Anderson is a man who can eat a lot of hot dogs. I just don’t think he can find the right pace. If anyone watches a 2026 Karl Anderson match, quick is not the word you would use to describe it.

Hot dogs eaten: 6 3/4

10th  Kushida

Kushida is well known for his Marty McFly costume, so he obviously has some experience with hot dogs from Universal Orlando’s famous Back to the Future hot dog stand. However, said stand was only open for one day. It is now lost media.

I’m sure Kushida got his practice in on that one day, but I fear he might still be in grief.

Hot dogs eaten: 7

9th Trevor Lee

Trevor Lee’s whole thing in MLW is that he’s a country boy with country power. If I know my country boys and I don’t. They love to eat. With that there country boy stomach of his he be able to gobble down dose them dogs there. 

Hot dogs eaten: 7 1/2

8th Ikuro Kwon

As a loyal foot soldier to Contra and its cause of world domination, I think if he was tasked with winning a hot dog eating contest to crush American spirits, he’d fully devote himself to doing the best job he could. But hot dog eating is mostly a skill you’re born with, not something you can learn.

Hot dogs eaten: 8 1/4

7th Killer Kross

There’s another jump here. We are at serious competitor level. To signify that, we have passed the dog per minute barrier.

Killer Kross has shown his dominance ever since his return to the MLW arena, winning not just all his singles matches but also showing he can dominate in a crowd by winning Battle Riot VIII. He also just looks like a man who can eat.

While he also has the advantage of Scarlett Bordeaux trying to help him win, I worry that she could be a double edged sword. It’s important to keep your work life separate from your personal life, and when you’re doing something as disgusting as competitive eating, maybe you don’t want your wife there.

Hot dogs eaten: 10 1/8

6th Zamaya

Zamaya comes from a post apocalyptic world, so supplies must be limited. This would mean she’s experienced in rationing, so you would think she wouldn’t be able to eat quickly. But I believe that when she’s faced with a decadent buffet of hot dogs, she would be so starved from years of hardship that she’d be able to shovel the dogs down.

When presented with more food than she’s ever seen in her life, her eyes will be bigger than her belly, bigger than her hair.

Hot dogs eaten: 11

5th Josh Bishop

When I pitched this idea to my good personal friend and editor Dan Rice, he was insistent that I rank Bishop highly. When I asked why, his response was, “Stop fucking messaging me.”

It’s hard to argue with that logic.

Hot dogs eaten: 11 1/2

4th Matt Riddle

Dude, weed. You know when you smoke the weed and it gives you the munchies? Dude, I eat so much when I’m high. Brooo.

I’ve never smoked weed in my life.

Hot dogs eaten: 13

3rd  Doc Gallows

I mean come on look at him.

Hot dogs eaten: 15

2nd Beastman

He’s a beast, man! He’s a wild animal, a reminder of humanity’s caveman roots. You’re going to stand before God and tell me a beastman can’t hoff down some juicy dogs? You’re a fool and an idiot.

He’d go hog wild on the dogs, chowing through them at an intensity that would make your mother sick. It would be a disgusting sight, but my God, would it be impressive.

Hot dogs eaten: 20

1st Paul Walter Hauser

It wouldn’t be a Violent People list without Paul Walter Hauser at the top. And even if we put aside our love for America’s greatest working actor and wrestler, PWH is a man who could eat hot dogs.

I have no doubt in my mind that PWH would not only dominate in the MLW hot dog eating contest, but that if he competed in the real Nathan’s Famous International Hot Dog Eating Contest, he’d put in a respectable performance.

Hot dogs eaten: 32

Final thoughts

I don’t know why I did this.