Part of Violent People’s FUNKIN’ FALL series: View the full index.

Now, would you believe it? Here at Violent People, we know fewer willing writers than Terry Funk had years in the ring. So, now and again, you might see me and probably Dan pop up multiple times to plug the gaps. The workhorses of Violent People, many are saying.

For this gap plugger, we find ourselves in 1982, in the sunshine of Florida, where Terry Funk, you might have heard of him, is embroiled in an intense feud with Dusty Rhodes. This is where the famous “Dusty Sucks Eggs” shirt comes from.

What’s more intense than sucking eggs? Probably getting shot in the freakin’ face or something.

To heat up this feud, Terry is taking on Bruce Walkup in an empty arena steel cage match.

You’d be forgiven for not knowing who Bruce Walkup is. Bruce is a wrestler who has mostly been forgotten by time. From the shooty record books we have, Bruce was seemingly an enhancement talent who worked in CWF for maybe two or three years. This match here is what he’s most remembered for. From some digging online, I found an obituary that said he passed away in April 2016 at the age of 75. Rest in peace.

Empty arena matches are such a weird thing for promotions to run, especially in these times before TV deals and subscription services, when the gate was the main source of income. It’s putting on a match for free in the hope that TV watchers, which a lot of your audience are not, will be so compelled by it that they go and buy some tickets. Funk’s a connoisseur of this match type, taking part in one of the most famous and best empty arena matches against Jerry Lawler.

This match here isn’t much of a match. It’s a squash match against a jobber. But what makes this match great is the same reason the Terry vs. Lawler bout is great. Terry Funk is a maniac, and when there’s no crowd to drown him out, when you can hear every little syllable, it’s some of the best wrestling we’ve ever got.

Him dressed up in full cowboy boots and hat, petulantly asking Bruce for his name and if he understands the rules. From his repeated psychotic screeches of “Get up, get up” while he’s hitting him in the head with his boots, to his demands for Dusty to “LOOK AT HIM!” while a pool of blood forms under Bruce’s head. A man so angry he can’t even form sentences, just shouting “PAIN! PAIN! PAIN!” In the hands of a lesser wrestler, this would come off as silly and hokey. But with Funk, it’s masterful.

Then, after the match, he, like a schoolground bully, just kicks Bruce as he walks out of the cage. He seamlessly switches to a much more calculated man, listing the many times Dusty has wronged him over the years. Dusty damning his eye, the cost of a world championship, double-crossing him. But any sense of having his emotions under control is gone as he squeals that he’s never facing that “pig-faced, egg-sucking dog” again. Ending it all with him ramming his own head into the cage repeatedly while letting us know he plans to beat Dusty like a dog.

Don’t beat dogs, people. Make them suck eggs. Put some peanut butter on it.

What makes Terry Funk the best is that, behind all of this, there is a sense of pure cowardice. A man who isn’t all he says he is.There’s a reason he chose to have this cage match against a jobber. It’s a hard line to walk, but no one pulled it off better.

This is a masterclass in how to get yourself and a match over. The matches are good and all, but never forget that Terry Funk is one of the best promo guys ever. Poor Bruce Walkup didn’t know what was coming.

Terry Funk is a madman, like Jon Hamm. God damn.

Drive home safe, Spearfish.

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