I have never been very shy. On this site alone I’ve written about my mother’s death and even my family’s history of substance use and domestic violence Between the writing I do here and the podcast I very well may have mentioned this in the past, but I suffer from Bipolar disorder. I’m equipped with the memory of the goldfish, so I can’t be sure. I do know I’ve never discussed it in depth.

Being bipolar means that even when I feel clear-headed, I don’t trust it. These last couple of months have been really hard. I hate when people compare their problems to others, so I’m saying for me they have been hard. Not just hard like “stressful,” but hard like running barefoot over thumbtacks, Necro Butcher style. Every step is a painful stab.

That’s how it goes sometimes. I haven’t handled it perfectly. Which I think is fairly common among bipolar folks. 

Watching someone bipolar handle an episode alone is sometimes like watching someone tear their house down brick by brick in the midst of a terrible storm.

The hardest part for me personally, the part no pamphlet or doctor properly warned me about is the constant guessing game.

What did I actually mess up?

What’s real regret, and what’s a chemical reaction?

What’s just an echo of a thought from a brain that doesn’t always know what it’s doing? A brain, that by the existence of this diagnosis, is, at the very least, suboptimal.  

Sometimes I replay conversations over and over like I’m sifting through wreckage.

Did something I said come off wrong? Am I push someone away?

Did I vanish for too long, or did I show up too loud?

Understanding my relationships sometimes feels like reading a book full of faded pages or like listening to radio waves tuned just out of reach, crackling and unrecognizable. 

I can’t tell if people are pulling away or if I’m just projecting my own distance onto them.

I want to ask:

“Are we okay?”

But even the question feels like too much, too overbearing.

Asking it is an admission that we either aren’t or I’m too lost to tell otherwise. 

It’s not all bad. I’m writing this(my manic episodes sadly rarely involve cranking out a ton of content for the site. Sorry, Sam.) Unfortunately my manic go-to move is usually to stay up for days at a time burning down everything going right in my life. 

This is more of a downer than I intended. I love this site and this community and that love probably led to this overshare.

This is meant to be positive. I think, THINK, I’m coming up for air.

I’m treading water, blinking, catching my breath.

The sky’s bluer. I’m returning messages. I have been making plans and even keeping them. I’m doing my job with the enthusiasm I’ve been missing. 

It feels like I’m home free, but it could just be the light refracting off the surface.

Either way I’m still here and I’m trying.

And trying has got to count for something.

So let’s try to watch some Grom Zaza.

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OKAY, that intro was written before the recording of episode 57 of Violent People Radio.

The results of the Violent People Hall of Fame vote have broken me. Absolutely ruined me. The uneducated philistines that make up our voter base had Grom Zaza, our beloved Grom Zaza, finishing dead last.

Dead. Last.

Reading those results hurt worse than anything my brain chemistry has ever thrown at me.

So this is now a campaign. A crusade. A movement.

The Untitled Grom Zaza Project will continue, with the sole mission of boosting his vote total next year when he’s eligible again.

Let’s get to work.

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December 8th, 1993 – Grom Zaza vs Henk Numan

Rings Battle Dimension Tournament 1993 Semi Final

Osaka Prefectural Gymnasium – Osaka, Japan

Cagematch seems to think Henk Numan is Hank Newman, but this is Hendrik “Henk” Numan an Olympic bronze medalist Judoka and a member of Chris Dolman’s team. Like many foreigners his Rings tenure is blink and you miss it territory.

This is interesting because it’s Zaza at a different speed. It is not a sprint and it’s not a war of attrition. It’s kind of an aggressive sparring match. Grom Zaza’s feet never stop moving though. He is always moving, always kicking, and always testing Numan. The story here is control. Zaza is matching Newman’s rhythms, nullifying his offense without really blocking it

Zaza’s striking is sloppy here, but in a way that makes it clear he’s not taking Henk seriously. This hubris costs Zaza as Henk catches him with a shot to the temple and drops him to the ground. Henk can’t maintain the control though as Grom Zaza is far superior on the mat. 

After regaining the lead Grom Zaza stops playing with his food and eventually wins with an armbar.

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April 23rd, 1994 – Grom Zaza vs Todor Todorov 

Rings In Hiroshima

Hiroshima Sun Plaza – Hiroshima, Japan

Zaza starts this off by laying in some heavy kicks to Todor. That’s the story of the first half of the match. Everything Zaza hits is stiff, his kicks, knees, slaps, everything. 

The first knockdown comes from a flurry of brutal knees. Todor is someone I’ve liked in the past, but he gets very little here. Even his most promising throws and submission attempts are countered almost immediately.

There’s a second knockdown from knees. Zaza keeps using his kicks and slaps to back Todor in the corner and then deliver sickening knees. I’m loving it.

Todor does a great job of expressing a sense of survival. There’s lots of escapes and brief knockdowns where he is relieved, but clearly spent. 

After a fourth knockdown by Zaza they make their way to the mat with a slick fireman’s carry from our man. After some slight peril in a leg entanglement Grom Zaza comes out the victor with an armbar. 

Also no one asked, but this is by far the most handsome Grom Zaza has looked yet. Cleary entering his ripped silver fox era, Grom Zaddy. 

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September 21st, 1994 – Grom Zaza vs Andrei Kopylov 

Rings Fighting Network Rings 1994 Tournament 1st Round

Osaka Prefectural Gymnasium- Osaka, Japan

This is a first round match up in the 1994 Mega Battle Tournament. Grom Zaza was bounced in the first round of his inaugural Mega Battle Tournament in 1992. Andrei Kopylov was in the 1992 and 1993 editions, never making it past the second round of either. 

Kopylov is a Russian sambo specialist and a member of the Russian Top Team with Volk Han. He would go on to fight a who’s who list of MMA fighters, Big Nog, Dan Severn, Ricardo Arona, and a Pride fight against Mario Sperry.

Here he’s all raw strength and mat control. This match starts off and Andrei has the advantage early. He really is just big brother-ing Grom to start, forcing Zaza to use one of his rope breaks within the first minute of the match.

When they reset Grom takes over, but Kopylov really makes Grom work for his patented fireman’s carry. Eventually though on the ground Andrei’s strength prevails again and Zaza gets in submission trouble and is forced to use a second rope break.

There’s a ruggedness to both his look and his grappling. Zaza can’t counter it cleanly, so he instead turns to sloppy, violent striking. Zaza does drop Kopylov, giving him the momentum for the first time in this match. 

Despite being seemingly overwhelmed multiple times by Andrei, Grom pulls off the victory by grabbing a standing reverse arm triangle and taking him to the ground for the submission. I’m sure there’s a better name for the move, but that’s the best I’ve got. Grom moves on to the second round of the tournament! 

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If you’re a listener of Violent People Radio, you know I teased some news at the end of this column. I almost considered keeping it to myself after those god awful Hall of Fame results, but…

The next edition of The Untitled Grom Zaza Project will feature insights from the man himself.

Yes.

The silver fox has entered the hen house.

Grom Zaddy is home.

Etc. Etc.

Stay tuned.