Please. Keep your eyes unsullied. I’m begging you. Don’t spread its evil.  Watch the entirety of Bryan’s Ted Petty Invitational run instead. You can watch all of it in just under an hour. You cannot do that with the Aries match.

Bryan Danielson vs Teddy Hart – MLW 1/9

Bryan wrestling mentally deranged people usually makes for a pretty good time (not in Austin Aries’ case apparently) so this is pretty sick. It’s not some big career highlight or even close to the best match he had this year but it’s a testament to who he is as a wrestler that he’s able to pull Teddy into a match that is as grounded and narratively compelling as this one. Bryan spends quite a bit of the match just bullying the shit out of him. Every time he seems to gain some momentum Bryan cuts him off with a mean strike, frequently berating the crowd in the process. They’re in Orlando which means there probably isn’t a single sane mind in that crowd, so they’re behind Teddy of course. Bryan plays into it perfectly. At one point he straight up pantses the dude, that’s fucked up. 

It makes it kind of hard not to root for Teddy as he wrestles the rest of the match in his underwear. The pantsing seems to give him some kind of newfound strength as right after is when he starts mounting up some offense, going after Bryan’s arm in particular. I haven’t seen a lot of Teddy Hart from this point in time (and probably won’t be seeking that out) but the more recent stuff I have seen from him often comes across like it’s a guy just trying to get his shit in. This match feels like the complete opposite of that. Bryan makes sure that Teddy’s offense is earned, and he’s so much more captivating as a result. The finish here is really fun too. Teddy goes for a shooting star elbow drop but Bryan catches the arm, transitioning into cattle mutilation before Teddy rolls it over into a Fujiwara Armbar. Bryan, having had his arm worked over quite a bit, taps out. Tragic result but I thought this was genuinely great and definitely worth a watch. Clocks in at just over 8 minutes and is a great showcase of Bryan’s ability to bring out the best in people, despite being just 22 years old here. 22! I find myself slowly approaching that age so watching this nearly sent me into an existential crisis. Nonetheless, we move onto April. 

Bryan Danielson vs CM Punk – ROH 4/23

This is billed as the first ever singles match between these two. Ricky Steamboat is also here to referee for the sake of good vibes, and the sake of fucking with Punk. Him and Steamboat had been beefing with each other leading up to this so the logical thing to do of course is to have Steamboat referee one of his matches. There’s a moment early on where Punk protests in vain that Bryan pulled his hair. The crowd calls him out on his bullshit and Steamboat just goes over to him and fucking yanks Punk’s hair down instead. Legend.

 I wish the rest of the match was as compelling as that moment but unfortunately there’s a lot of time wasted here. It feels like this would have been a lot better if it didn’t go as long as it did because quite a bit of this feels like it’s just padding the runtime. That’s not to say it’s all bad. Bryan’s relentless targeting of Punk’s mid-section is great and it especially feels like sweet comeuppance after Punk started the match out by being a big asshole. Things really kick into gear near the end. There’s a mean dropkick that Bryan hits to Punk’s midsection after he flies off the top rope that really made me wince. Bryan then pulls him in for a dragon suplex and puts him in an abdominal stretch shortly after to get the submission. It’s a finish that feels earned, a common theme with Bryan. There’s a lot of people that really like this match and it definitely has its moments, I just wish it didn’t take so long to get to them. As a first-time meeting between two of the best ever, it’s underwhelming albeit mostly good. They have a lot better version of this that they’d get to show off in the future.

These next four matches happen all in one tournament, all in one weekend. The latter three happen on a single show. God bless Ian Rotten.

Bryan Danielson vs Alex Shelley – IWA-MS 9/17

This is a first round match in the Ted Petty invitational. It’s Danielson and Shelley so it’s of course a really sound technical contest with quite a bit of good grappling. That’s kind of what you’d expect out of these guys though, and a “sound technical contest” feels like the floor for a match between these two. They make sure to take it a level above that by adding in a level of contempt and disrespect that really drew me into this one. Early on, Shelley gets the best of Bryan in an exchange and proceeds to blast a mean snot rocket right at him. Not cool. Bryan does not forget this and moments later he returns with a loogy of his own that lands right on Shelley’s face. “Told you that snot was comin’!” – CM Punk on commentary. A match like this that’s nearing the end of a fucking 5 hour show could have easily been forgettable but thanks to some snot rocket oneupsmanship and the intensity these guys are able to bring, it’s not. Some credit should also be given to Punk and AJ Styles on commentary.

Styles: “…they have similar styles I think. They’re a lot more grounded than a lot of guys in this tournament.”

Punk: “Like you?”

(awkward pause)

Styles: “…Ok. Anyway, that doesn’t matter… well yes okay, a lot more grounded than me. Fact of the matter, like I said, their styles are similar.”

Punk: “So basically you’re saying their styles are similar but not similar to Styles.”

(another awkward pause)

Styles: What’d you say?

Punk: I said their styles are similar but not similar to Styles. It’s late. Bare with me here.

It is indeed late. This crowd has been here for four hours. There is no way they are not exhausted, but Bryan and Shelley are still able to get them into this. It reaches a crescendo when the two start trading submissions. Shelley goes for a Fujiwara. Bryan turns it into Cattle Mutilation. An inverse of the Teddy Hart match. Shelley is able to roll the hold over before he twists around for the Motor City stretch. Danielson is able to escape and it’s one of the only moments in this match that doesn’t convince me. His escape feels a little lackadaisical and it likely didn’t look as slick as they had hoped when Bryan turns Shelley over for a backslide pin. One-two-three and that’s it. Bryan advances. It’s an anticlimactic finish to what was a really really good match. Onto the three-match-broadway that Bryan has on the very next day. 

Bryan Danielson vs CM Punk – IWA-MS 9/18

Hey, guess what? This show is also 5 hours long. We’re 2 hours 52 minutes in when the bell rings for this. There are still 6 matches left on the card. Again, god bless Ian Rotten. 

This starts off with some pretty decent grappling while both are willed on in different ways by the all-consuming “CM Pussy” chants. The crowd just refuses to stop chirping at Punk. He responds by singling out one particular kid and hitting him with an “I hope your parents die.” Tremendous pop from the crowd. He might have just become the face in this match. Seriously. The crowd immediately gets behind him after this and even more so when they do a very unfortunate dueling dropkick spot. Whatever. It’s rectified when Bryan starts bullying Punk. We get some really great and really mean offense from Bryan before Punk cuts it short with a Piledriver. Punk then starts to work over Bryan’s neck before they find themselves in a striking exchange. Bryan gets the best of it with a wound-up European Uppercut that sends Punk stumbling to the outside… only for him to pull himself back into the ring and absolutely clobber an unsuspecting Danielson with a lariat to the back of the neck. Sick sick stuff. 

The action gets pretty back-and-forth after that until Punk hits a disgusting suplex from the apron to the floor on Bryan. Sick sick stuff. Not a fun landing, either. Looks like Bryan tweaked his leg but he’s still able to get Punk in an airplane spin after he’s dragged to his feet. It’s not as fast as he usually does it but he makes up for it by forcing the fans to scatter in his presence as he goes all the way around the ring while 360ing. Dragon eventually collapses but not before accidentally hitting a few fans with Punk’s legs and apparently hitting a guy in the nuts. Punk then tries standing up but immediately dives into a row of chairs, his equilibrium demolished. Both stumble back into the ring before the 20 count for a false finish and the actual finish comes when Punk goes for a hammerlock lariat that looks like it would not feel very good. Bryan is able to duck and Punk gets turned around like he’s Javy Baez striking out on a pitch two feet outside the zone. Dragon Suplex. Cattle Mutilation. Tap out. Sick sick stuff. This was loads of fun and leagues better than their ROH match. A much better showcase of just how polished these guys were at such a young age. This could have gone bad as the crowd was not reacting as hoped when it began. Thanks to some death wishes and Bryan being perhaps the most reliable bully of all time, they’re able to take control and deliver something really great. Danielson advances to the semifinals with a limp and Punk is left in the ring as the “CM Pussy” chants relent to “CM Punk” chants. 

I smoked a big ass bowl before watching these next few matches so if this feels like it takes a turn that is why.

Bryan Danielson vs Mike Quackenbush – IWA-MS 9/18

This piece’s second rendition of Bryan Danielson vs weird crazy person.

This is that real shit. Thats that fucking wrestling right there. None of that pansy ass dick tugging smile for the camera bullshit. Men puke, men poop in the ring, men deliver their new born baby next to the announce table. Fucking hard core dick in the ass butterball wrestling fuck it chuck it game time shit. Take it to the showers. We win together we celebrate together. Wrestling is back baby.

They start with Bryan declining a handshake to perfectly set the tone. Quack spends the rest of the match showing up Danielson for that act. He constantly outmaneuvers him, showing off with a variety of holds that include a nasty-looking modified Muta Lock and a Cattle Mutilation of his own to add further insult. What this match makes clear to me is that while Bryan gets so much praise as being this all-time technical wrestler, his biggest strength inside the ring is his character. It’s the little things he does like brushing off a handshake that gives so many of his matches an emotional color to them. It’s the hip-gyrating knuckle lock he applies that makes Quackenbush taking him to school so much more satisfying. It’s the way he holds onto submissions after his opponent grabs the ropes and only lets go when he’s practically forced to, that makes somebody finally beating him at his own game rewarding to watch. Toward the latter part of the match it becomes clear that Bryan is going to have to resort to his striking and physicality if he wants to earn control, leading him to pull out a slingshot suplex that looked particularly sick. Bryan is eventually able to turn the tide back in his direction and get the Cattle Mutilation on Quack, but can’t get the tapout. Instead, he rolls over into a pin, similar to what he did with Shelley a night prior except executed a lot better. He gets the three and finally gets one over on Quack in the process. This match is a technical masterclass but the story it tells is even better. Only 11 minutes but absolutely none of them are wasted. One of my favorite matches I’ve seen from this calendar year, and I’ve seen way too many matches from ‘04.

Bryan Danielson vs Samoa Joe vs AJ Styles – IWA-MS 9/18

The tournament finals. 4 and a half fucking hours into this show but the crowd is on their feet for the start of this. They don’t seem all that tired at the moment but I bet the wrestlers are. The three of them have worked a combined 13 matches in the last 4 days. That sounds like a lot. Despite that, this starts off at a very quick pace and it maintains that for the entire duration. A lot of three-way matches can feel contrived but this genuinely feels like a frantic fight between three exhausted dudes that are desperate to get out of here with a win. It’s also the mid 2000s and it’s a Samoa Joe match so he’s just completely in another world out there. Nobody in the states was bringing physicality to a match at this time like he did. It’s a little over two weeks before he and Danielson would have their singles match in ROH, and this serves as a great primer for that because my god does Joe look scary here. There’s a bit early on where Joe pummels AJ’s chest with some kicks that literally send him up in the air. Like, his feet leave the ground. It’s a great sell from AJ that really establishes Joe as a monster that’s going to be tough to take down in this.

There’s a couple of manufactured-looking spots that were obligatory to every super indie three-way match at the time, but for the most part this keeps the feeling of being a nasty fight. Nobody stays in control for very long, seemingly always getting cut off by offense that grows increasingly ugly throughout the match. The bomb-throwing in this is absolute. Bomb over here, bomb over there. There’s another bomb. Everyone’s throwing bombs. Not just for the sake of throwing them either. Each guy comes across like they’re running on fumes (probably because they actually are lol) and throwing whatever they’ve got left out there because fuck it. Bryan finally finds himself in something he can’t get out of when AJ lands a Pele kick that sends him into the waiting arms of Joe. He finally finds his comeuppance in this tourney when Joe gets him into a choke and Bryan immediately taps, ending his weekend. And what a weekend it was. 4 matches featuring some of the best the U.S. has to offer against the best the U.S. has to offer. This would have been an even bigger casemaker for Bryan had he not just had the Quackenbush match moments earlier but its still a crazy accomplishment.  It’s not often that a wrestler can put together a mere weekend of matches that details just how deep in their bag they were. There’s a lot of guys that have had good mania weekends in recent years. Mike Bailey wrestling like 12 matches in one weekend was pretty crazy even if not all of them landed. Biff Busick lit the scene on fire when he got his mania weekend. None of it really compares to what Bryan did here. Every match is woven together to create an even larger performance that transcends just a single match. I really encourage people to seek all these out.

Oh, also this match isn’t over yet. Forgot to mention that this is elimination rules. AJ and Joe beat the absolute shit out of each other for 4 more minutes and it washes everything they did in WWE out of the water. AJ eventually hits the styles clash to end a really great match and a really great tournament.

Bryan Danielson vs Samoa Joe – ROH 10/2

This is a gargantuan beast of a match. It’s just as ambitious as it is grounded and to understand what they’re going for here, it’s important to understand the context around it. Joe is 25 defenses and 18 months into his world championship reign at this point in time. Nobody has truly been able to get the best of Joe, they’ve just managed to survive him. 

Eyepoke.

Joe is lulled into a false sense of security, and that’s when Danielson completely switches gears. His actual scheme rears its ugly head, and he just goes to fucking town on Joe’s knee. It’s relentless. A combination of chop blocks, stomps, dropkicks to the knee, an Indian Deathlock, and an inverse Indian Deathlock all make it clear that this is how Bryan might be able actually topple Joe… but it’s just not enough. Joe is undeniable. 

And then he rolls it into a pin. The same move that got him to the finals of the Ted Petty Invitational. Bryan’s been catching everyone with this. Joe’s only recent downfalls in the company have come as a result of flash pins. This could very well be the end. It has to be. One… Two… Kickout. Joe escapes what so many couldn’t because of course he does. The crowd lets out a groan not because they wanted to see Bryan in particular win, but because they wanted to see the impossible happen. 

Bryan, having failed in catching Joe off guard, is forced to go for a hail mary. He hoists Joe up onto the top rope, throwing the ball deep into the endzone… but Joe intercepts it. Bryan goes to 

Joe absolutely loses his shit in a glorious rage. The inevitable happens.